On a more somber note, but a thoughtful one...

Death is a very mysterious thing. It was only a week ago that I spoke with Auntie M. about visiting her this coming weekend. And today I am here pondering her passing unexpectedly yesterday morning. I’ve gone through every emotion. I cried, I got angry, I was depressed, I was happy, and I was thoughtful. Most of all I was numb. My mind was a thousand places and nowhere at the same time. I just couldn’t wrap my head around it.

When you've had someone that you loved recently pass, it makes you ponder not only the current situation and your feelings for that loved one, but also the nature of death itself and what it truly means. I've noticed that some can discuss death very openly, and very candidly. And others you can tell feel very uncomfortable talking about it, they will try to change the subject to some lighter matter, perhaps what they're going to eat or a recent movie they saw. Its not that they want to avoid it, it’s just that people handle the situation differently. I think you'll find the people who are willing to discuss death with you are people who have experienced loss, have an advance view of life, or have thought about death quite a lot.

I would even say that death is, in a way, a gift. It allows us to examine our relationship with that person and reflect on the beauty and joy of that relationship. It challenges us to take what we’ve learned from the relationship and build new relationships on that strong foundation. My aunt taught me about loving life, enjoying art, thinking independently, and cherishing the people close to you. Those are all lessons that will not disappear because she is no longer here physically, those lessons (and by extension her) live on with me. I’ve also had the privilege to see how friends and family can rally around you in moments like these. I am unbelievably lucky for all of them!

My aunt was the first person I came out to. I was terrified to tell anyone, but something about Auntie made me feel safe to confide in her. I knew that she was a litmus test on how others may deal with it. When I told her, she looked at me and said “So what? Ian, I love you no matter what you are or who you are with. Just do what makes you happy and be safe.” That was it. It was genuine, sincere and it was flippantly Auntie. :) That reaction seemed to melt all my fears. She just had that way about her.

My aunt lived her life by her rules. She fought for what she thought was right, she lived each day like her last and she let you know what was on her mind. I’ll miss our playful banter over whose turn it was to call the other, about the dangers of tsunamis plaguing the Rhode Island coast, the wisdom of Mr. Potatohead and name-calling, and the delicious nature of white pancakes, but I know that those memories will always be with me and will continue to make me laugh, cry and blush. I just hope I can live up to the standard that she has set for me.

There are many parallels of my relationship with my Auntie to the relationship in the 1958 classic Auntie Mame, but it is a quote from that movie that truly captures the attitude of my favorite lady. I love you Auntie, and I always will!!

“Life is a banquet & most poor suckers are starving to death! So, live! Live! LIVE!” – Auntie Mame (1958)

Marie Deriso (1940 – 2008)